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The annual office Christmas party...it's one of my very favorite holiday songs, but one of my very least favorite events to attend. Once I manage to force myself out of the house and finally get there, I'm ashamed to admit that I do start to enjoy myself...mainly because of the fashion faux pas that seem to encompass the entire staff. People who manage to look reasonalby put together the rest of the year commit fashion crimes that will have everyone in attendance snapping photos with their cell phones that will surface periodically throughout the year, moving from cubicle to cubicle with much snickering and pointing involved. Until the NEXT annual office Christmas party, that is. I thought I'd share with you some of my very favorite mistakes, in the spirit of the season...with hope that you will garner the info and know what NOT to wear to YOUR office party.

The Ridiculously Overdressed Man
It's usually your boss or the suck up you can't stand...he turns up in either a three piece suit with matching tie and hanky, or (the horror) a full blown tuxedo. With tails. And a top hat. His shoes are so shiny that you can check your makeup in them, and he reeks of too much cologne. He's wearing a giant gold watch that could knock out a small child with a single blow, and his pinkie ring makes you wonder how he can hold his drink in the same hand and still manage to get it to his mouth. If he HAS hair, it's slicked back with some sort of outdated styling product and the scent clashes badly with his cologne. If he's balding, his comb over will be similarly adorned. Interestingly, I rarely see an overdressed completely bald man. Perhaps they have better fashion sense. No matter what the venue for your party, be it the office, the local fire hall, or a swanky hotel...he sticks out like a sore thumb. Pointing and snickering shall ensue, and photos with the caption 'Look, it's Richie Rich!' will be circulating around the office after the holidays. It's my personal opinion that this is his message...I am wildly successful, because my clothing SAYS SO. Someone should gently remind him that he's not the Donald, and that he should save the super duds for the next wedding he's invited to. After the party, he retreats to his normal attire, the khaki pants that are two sizes too small and the inexpensive short sleeve collared shirts that show off his daily sweat rings. Yeech.

The Office Floozy
Usually a different staff member each year (though it is funnier if it's the same gal every time), the Floozy is often a woman whose life has undergone some sort of upheaval...breakup, divorce, massive weight loss, breast augmentation, you get the picture. She's got a reason to party, and she's on the hunt for a new man. Though her normal workday attire is conservative, perhaps even a bit prim (grey skirts or pants, blouses buttoned to the neck), she'll show up at the party in a micro mini skirt or dress that's tighter than tight, cleavage spilling over, her mousy hair looking as if she stuck her finger in an electric socket. Lovely tiny diamond studs are replaced with four inch long dangling earrings, and she's wearing so much makeup no one is sure who she is until she speaks. Her brown penny loafers are replaced with porno pumps, and she staggers around the room immediately in search of a drink. At some point during the night, she'll be dancing on the bar or a desk, making out with any man within reach, occasional making the fact that she's decided to go commando very evident. After the holidays, she'll be back in her frumpy clothes, pretending nothing happened.

The Christmas Obsessed Staff Member
Every office has one...most often, it's a single, overweight, middle age woman, though I have seen a few variations. This is the person that drives you bonkers for the whole holiday season, singing carols and decorating her cubicle with lights and all sorts of do-dads and knick knacks that play music and dance. She wears light bulb earrings from November 1st onward, and would do much more if the company allowed. At the party, she'll either turn up in a bright red or green dress that's way too tight (because she's been wearing it every year since she started), complete with a Santa hat and all the trimmings. If the party is more of the informal sort, she'll be wearing her festive sweatshirt with the hat, and often will string lights around her person. She may wear elf shoes, or big black boots. By the end of the night, she'll have said Merry Christmas to you at least 75 times, and if she drinks so much that she passes out someone will suggest tying her to the tree. After the holidays, she'll pass around the 400 pictures she thoughtfully snapped and made copies of for all of you, jabbering on and on about what a wonderful time of the year the holidays are.

Take heed, folks...when you're getting dressed for your office party, think ahead. If it's 180 degrees from what you wear every day, put it back in the closet. If it will allow people to see your hoo hoo, don't wear it. You have to work with these people long after the party is over, and they enjoy making fun of everyone whenever they get the chance...don't give them a free pass. Stick with what you know, and dress for the location (no evening wear to the office!). And if someone snickers at you, quickly divert their attention to some other schlep worse off than you are.

Happy Holidays, and keep your butt off the copier!