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I finally bought a new pair of shoes. This may not seem like a momentous occurrence for most women, but buying shoes has become a necessary evil in my life. Winter weather demands some form of footwear aside from sandals and I have a couple of upcoming events where garden clogs with socks would be inappropriate. Most women would not go into deep depression after buying shoes; but for me, shoe shopping is a painful reminder of the girl I used to be, the heels I used to wear, the shoe collection I used to have. Shoe shopping reminds me of the joy in life that I can no longer partake in, wearing fashionable shoes.

My recent shoe purchase was at a PayLess shoe store and I even went "bongo" and bought a second pair for half off the original price. PayLess is one of the only shoe stores where I can purchase shoes that do not immediately cause my feet to bleed. They sell a line of ultra conservative shoes that most importantly, are created from an extremely soft material ( I am not sure and do not care if it is leather) enabling me to wear the shoes immediately after purchase. If I cannot easily bend the back of a shoe when it is brand new, I cannot wear it without severe discomfort. This limits my ability to buy any shoes so I am grateful when I find any brand that I can wear.

I used to love shoes. Even if fashion called for a figure I had no hope of ever having, I knew I could always buy shoes. So I bought interesting shoes. Even if I had the usual uniform of blue jeans on, you can bet my shoes were interesting. I would even buy ugly shoes, if they were fun and different. Most of my shoes were flats but I even had several pairs of Candies "bleep me" shoes back before they were considered "vintage". This was before I realized five foot eight is considered a giant in the teenage world.

I am a reasonably tall woman, so heels were not an option after I realized most men were not as tall as my brothers. In my family I could wear three inch heels and still be shorter than all my male relatives, so it was a huge shock to find most men are not over six feet tall. When I finally made this horrible realization, I did what any insecure young woman does, I wore flats most of the time.

Luckily, Earth shoes were in vogue during my teen years, hideous I know, but they were comfortable. In college I must of had tougher feet than I do now or I felt no pain. I used to buy a lot of flat shoes. I will admit some of the shoes were not comfortable for years, but I wore them anyways. I would alternate shoes so they would not injure the same part of my foot day after day, but I would wear them. Plus,I always had my Tretorn tennis shoes , so when my feet could not take it anymore, I tossed on my Tretorns and walked away. Those were the days.

I cannot find Tretorns in my part of the country anymore, though I have tried. I have even bought them online but did not have a good buying experience. Quite frankly,I need to try them on to get a good fit. I am not sure what changes more quickly, my feet or industry shoe sizes. Over the years I have tried numerous other brands of tennis shoes but the super special support systems that every other woman in the world loves, hurt my feet. I always went back to Tretorns until I could not find them any longer.

To make things worse, wide sizes are too wide and the regular sizes are often too narrow. I tried a pair of Keds canvas shoes but the memory of the cuts they made in my heels still makes me nauseous. So I've been without a decent pair of tennis shoes for years, and understandably I am afraid to invest too much in purchasing a new brand. Whatever I buy will most likely end up with all the other brands I have tried; tossed in the waste can. Tennis shoes are supposed to be the most comfortable shoes around, but for me they only conjure up feelings of pain.

I went through a short romance with heels in my thirties. My husband did not mind being shorter than his wife, and Enzo put out a line of pumps that I could carry groceries in. I loved it. I wore heels with minis and jeans. I even bought myself a pair of three inch heels that to this day I remember with fondness. Then came the knee injuries. Teach me to listen to the club pro on how to use the stairmaster. I kept those three inch heels for years, in hope of a full recovery, but I finally gave them away though I wanted to enshrine them. I returned to flats.

Now even the flats are hard to find because the leather used by shoe manufactures is too hard for my feet. Enzo used to carry a line of super soft loafers but the Enzo line of shoes moved closer to the Nine West line of shoes ( their corporate parent) and the leather became harder. I was willing to spend seventy dollars on a pair of shoes I could wear, but I was not willing to spend seventy dollars on a pair of Enzo loafers I could buy with a different label at the Nine West store for forty dollars and still not be able to wear. I wore out my stock of old Enzo shoes, then wore duck boots ,even with skirts, for awhile.

As a lark I bought used shoes at a charity bargain sale. Surprisingly, these shoes were wearable and did not hurt my feet. Someone else had broken in the leather and I reaped the benefit. Sure they were a little scruffy, but I could wear them without pain and that made them beautiful to me. I have a real problem buying used shoes. I still do it now and then when I am desperate, but it truly is an act of desperation. I have even bought men's clogs, at a garage sale, in an attempt to find shoes that do not cause me pain. I still wear these shoes but I never really feel like they are mine. I guess I know what it is like to walk in another man's shoes. Normally more comfortable than walking in my own shoes.

Flip Flops? Hah! Hah! I have never, even as a child, been able to wear anything between my toes. Clogs are wearable, if they have no heels. I have several pairs of clogs but I bought them when I was still "shoe stupid" and they have about two inches of platform bottom on them. I can only wear them on good days, for a short time, before my knees or back begin to act up. Even though platform shoes shouldn't cause the same results as pumps, there is something about the weight distribution in these shoes that I can feel in my knees and back. I can at least wear them for a little while, where pumps, no matter how low, are a big no no. Garden clogs, bought a size too big, work just fine especially with socks.


I miss shoes. I miss shopping for them, wearing them, and having fun with new styles. I miss it so much, I do not even shoe shop anymore. I am sure there are some styles out there I can wear, but the image of the deep cuts caused by the Keds flashes before my eyes when I get close to the shoe aisle. I do need a new pair of snow boots, so maybe it is time for the duck boot and skirt look to return. Now I just need to find some that fit. That thought is enough to make me want to stay in all winter. I have large calves also, so boot shopping is always a image building experience for me. If the boots fit they are normally hundreds of dollars. Do you think I could wear them through spring?

I am grateful for the shoes I can wear, and hope next year PayLess carries them in a new color, this is the second year they have only come in black. I think I'll go this weekend and buy multiple pairs, you never know when they are going to " improve" them and I will not be able to wear them any longer. Buying shoes is so depressing.