FashBlog.com

I'm not snarky by nature...well, perhaps I AM but I have the decency to keep it to myself and not voice my opinion in the middle of Walmart. And I also realize that I too am guilty...if you could see me, right at this very moment, you'd be whipping out your cell phone and placing a 911 to the fashion police. But thankfully, my tattered baggy jeans, stained shirt and bare face are hidden from your view...let's pretend that I'm a size 4, wearing a cute little skirt with a funky jacket and a t-shirt with something witty emblazoned across it. That's better, isn't it? Now, here we go...let's begin Rowan's Favorite Fashion Faux Pas Countdown, version 1.0.

10.) Plumber's Butt Pants
Ah, an old staple of which I'm actually rather fond of...nothing like a glimpse of crack to get me going on a gigglefest. We don't really need to discuss this much, do we? What IS worth mentioning is the fact that despite what amounted to a national campaign (say no to crack!) men are STILL leaving the house in jeans that are TOO DAMN SMALL. Fellas, there is no harm in putting on some weight...but you've GOT to buy bigger pants. Just because your beer gut is still nimble enough to be hoisted over the waistband of your size 34 Wranglers doesn't mean they actually FIT. And now, much to my horror, WOMEN are doing this as well because it's 'trendy' and 'attractive' for all of us to see the color of their undies (or lack thereof) as their pants hang low, low low. Please, no more. Please!

9.) Sausage Shirts
I'm fat. It happens. I, however, am kind enough to spare the general population from having to look at all my fat rolls whenever I go out of the house. Others are not as kind. Everywhere I go, I see men and women alike, large and in charge, with their tight, tight TIGHT shirts on, buttons popping and rolls jiggling as they wander around, appearing not to be a bit uncomfortable. They look like a sausage stuffed into a casing that is just too damn small, I say. Why do they do this to themselves, and to me? Like I said...I'm fat. And perfectly happy being fat. I support fat rights. I think fat can be beautiful. BUT NOT IN A SHIRT THAT IS 18 SIZES TOO SMALL. You look silly. I know you want to be 'up' on fashion. You can be...head to the PLUS section and for the love of god, buy yourself some clothes that fit, hold your head up, and join me at Ben & Jerry's for a treat.

8.) Belly Peeks
I was tired of this a week after it began, and I can't believe it's still lurking around. Belly shirts. On little girls. On teens. On women in their 50's. On PREGNANT WOMEN. You know what? I have absolutely no desire to see your stomach, no matter how hard you've worked to make it look buff. Save it for your boyfriend or your webcam. The only valid reason I see for showing the world your belly button is to prove that you're not an alien. And that's a stretch.

7.) Undergarments as Outerwear
I take great pains every day when getting dressed to ensure that all of my undergarments remain invisible to the rest of the planet, and I'd appreciate it if you'd do the same. Your bra is not a top. I repeat...YOUR BRA IS NOT A TOP. And I don't want a peek at your thong hanging out of your jeans, either. If you choose to behave this way, just cut to the chase and walk around in your undies. Problem solved.

6.) Old Ladies in Youthful Garb
I'm not as young as I used to be, and I no longer wear things like short shorts or tube tops. Not in public, anyway. Is there anything creepier than seeing someone with the face of your grandmother in an outfit you saw in Teen Vogue last week? I think not. Ladies, if you must dress 'young', please dye your hair and get a facelift too. You're screwing with my poor brain too much otherwise.

5.) Little Girls in Risque Clothing
Simply unacceptable. Your 4 year old does not need to be wearing a belly shirt and skintight shorts. Or a lowcut shirt. Or a bikini. It's just not right...let your kid be a kid, okay? Whatever happened to Garanimals????

4.) Homielicious Hell
Skinny people in baggy clothing. And baseball caps worn askew. Many, many chains and wristbands...the ensemble completed by untied sneakers. I thought the Homey Habilus look would be long dead by now, but it's like a bad horror flick with zombies popping out of the grave. Folks, if you're skinny, BE GRATEFUL! The baggy look is for Fat Me and my cohorts. Move on.

3.) Activewear on the Obviously Sedentary
I love, love LOVE seeing pudgy people wearing exercise clothing...especially those smoking cigarettes. If you aren't anywhere near Long Island and don't watch the Sopranos you may not be familiar with this particular Faux Pas, but believe you me, it ain't pretty.

2.) Public Sweatsuit Exhibition
Men. Sweatpants. Short Sweatshirts. No, no, no, NO! Newsflash...while I'm sure your package is lovely and all, I would prefer not to see it swinging around when you walk. At least take me to dinner first...but if you combine the sweats with workbooks, no deal.

1.) Leather in 95 degree heat
Nothing says I'm a slave to fashion like idiots wearing all varieties of leather on the hottest day of the year. Unless you're on a motorcycle or in the Matrix, summer = cotton. Leave your jacket home, compadres. If I see you, I WILL point and laugh. I can't help myself.

Hopefully I've entertained you...or perhaps you've learned a little lesson. I'll be out there, watching and waiting.