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I woke up in the morning on this fine rainy day and realized that something else was going to contribute to my despondency: today was my "month-day". Yes, today, my fashionistas, I came one month closer to my next dreaded birthday- the big 34.

Immediately, I rang my bestest buddy in Ohio and said, "Heather, I am one month closer to the big 3-4"! And she says, "Girl, get a grip - you are also one month further away from that God awful bridesmaid dress we both had to wear last month for our mutual friend's wedding". Oh, the joy of one's 30s. These days, the cutest sleeveless bridesmaid dress can make one feel like she is going to the prom. Where are the days of yore? Where have the days of wearing anything I darn well please gone? Well, wherever they went, they are gone. And wishing them back by wearing clothes that are age inappropriate is ludicrous.

There are several hard and fast rules on fashion after 30. And trust me, none of them have you wearing miniskirts five inches about the knee. You are 30 now, and the dignity that goes along with the number must be reflected in the clothing you wear. Now I know some of my more "liberal" friends will arduously disagree, but I must stand my ground. Turning 30 is a privilege and a fashion milestone in its own right - let's capitalize on the wisdom from our maturity and wear items that enhance our age - no matter what our size or look.

Rule #1 -If it is spandex, ditch it. The thinnest 34 year old cannot possibly see any benefit in spandex shorts. Even if you insist on wearing biker shorts on your next bike-a-thon, reconsider your intent in the interest of the layperson's perception. Spandex, even in the form of biker shorts, is highly unattractive. The way the material hugs one's skin and flesh makes me wonder why any clothing is worn at all. A seven year old learning to ride a two-wheeler is much better served wearing this aerodynamic material. Additionally, no one cowers from seeing the youngster in his or her spandex shorts and a matching tee - in fact, if anything, the children get double-takes and looks of adoration. The 30 something wearing spandex shorts gets a look of disbelief, a once-over, and then several just loud enough commentaries from the disconcerted bystander. Why attract the negative attention? Next time, go for the nylon all-weather shorts or the ever so popular cotton sweatpants.

Rule #2 - Try to incorporate a pair of flats into your high heel repetoire. I know you love the thigh-high butter leather spiked boots and your four inch crocodile stilettos. Who didn't become overly excited with the show Sex and the City and Sarah Jessica Parker's vast array of foot candy. The episodes were heaven for the shoe-lover. However, our bodies can only take so much trauma. Our feet scream for the comfortable while our heads scream for the fashionable. I have the most adorable yellow penny loafers with rubber soles, and I would not give them up for the world. They are versatile and fun. They go with any of my pants or longer skirts. They are a "must have". And, if you are single, perusing the clubs, and wondering why you are taller than all the eligible men there, wearing flats will change your perspective instantly. The flat shoe serves many purposes. Embrace the flat shoe, women!

Rule #3 - Do not wear what your teenage daughter is wearing. You glance up and there on the steps of your staircase is your teenage daughter. She is sporting white plastic hoop earrings, a large beaded white necklace, an oversize long tee that reads "You are not my mother", a baby miniskirt with black leggings, and some rope and cloth espadrilles. Certainly not the picture you envisioned, however, you acknowledge her freedom of expression. At that point, it is wise to return to the kitchen, pack her a healthy meal, and jet to your closet to pick out something a little more conservative. Do not attempt to run to her closet and borrow coordinates to recreate the look. I was walking through the mall last week and spotted a mother-daughter pair wearing matching headbands, pixie clips, and sweatshirts. Each had on sparkly pink lipstick. Yikes, I thought to myself, were they having a lapse in judgement or what? Know that some fashion is "teenage" for a reason - it is for teenagers.

Rule #4 - Find a super cool couture sweatsuit and buy it! Yesterday, I bought a $200 sweatsuit in brown and wondered if I had a lapse in judgement. Today, I wore it to the grocery store and couldnt help but look at myself occasionally in the passing mirrors. I was rocking that sweatsuit. Pair it up with a cute silver link chain necklace and a bracelet, and you are smokin' ( as the twenty somethings would say). And make sure you buy a neutral color. Leave the bright pinks, aqua blues, and magentas to your younger sister or the neighbor girl. You are demure, mature, and chill. Sport the black cotton hoodie and matching pants to your next grocery outing, mall shopping trip, or day long picnic.

And I could write several more pages on the importance of keeping fashion age-appropriate. But I will stop here to allow you to ruminate on my suggestions. Turning 34, for me, will be something I am not looking forward to; however, if I can put it in context, fashion context that is, it might not be so bad, and certainly, if nothing else, it is an argument to go shopping.

Until next time my fine, fashion-oriented, friends!

Benzie