FashBlog.com

The clock strikes 5 p.m. and my mind switches gears, instantly. I characterize myself as an illustriously articulate and successful career woman by day, and a perpetually evolving fashionista by night. I grab an empty lunchpail, my Ralph Lauren tote, and a stylish London Fog automatic umbrella that has been on my coat hanger for what seems like months, and bolt for the side door. It is time to do some shopping.

But today is different. Today, my friends, I am searching for a "change" in my current repertoire. Over the weekend, I was flipping casually through the pages of the latest Hollywood gossip magazines, and I saw them - the skinny jean. An 80s flashback. A 2006 must have. And so, today, I stride boldly toward the women's clothing store at the corner, uninhibited in my demeanor and driven by this one goal: must find a skinny jean that looks good on me. Yes girls, I said "looks good on me". I will take this opportunity to digress slightly and educate all of you on the cardinal rule in my fashion doctrine: Always make sure it looks good on you according to you. Would I find my skinny prize? With a name like "skinny", one thing was for sure. This jean would either give me the long and lanky legs of an America's Top Model, or reinforce my original self-perception of direly needing to be "skinny". The moment of truth was only two blocks away and counting.....

In the store, I try on several pairs of skinny jeans. Skinny jeans in black, indigo blue, and whitewash. Skinny jeans with an ankle cut. Skinny jeans at full length. The mirror in the fitting room and I were becoming adversaries very quickly. The combination of my narrow waist and curvaceous hips made the skinny jean my nemesis. It was war, surrender, or compromise, and I was still deciding how to respond. It is at this point that I decided it was time to inform my fellow bloggers on the basics of jeans. I like to call it "Jean-wearing for Dummies". Here we go:

1) You have no waist and no hips. Congratulations! I don't ever want to meet you because I might have to hurt you. (just kidding). But seriously, you are the skinny jean candidate extraordinaire. The skinny jean Queen. these jeans will give you longer legs and a slimmer appearance ( if you aren't already 5 foot 4 and 100 pounds, at which point you could wear anything and this article is going to help you in no way shape or form). Yes, no waist, no hips, women, say it loud, "Skinny jeans are for me!".

2) You have a larger waist and ample hips. The relaxed jean is your best friend. But please, no pleats. And save the buttons on the back pockets for your toddler niece's or daughter's romper wear. These pleats and buttons only accentuate your front and back, and in a rather unflattering way, might I add.

3) You have a narrower waist and ample hips. Along with being my partner in crime, you do have many choices, and none of them have to be tailor-made jeans. The low rise jean in a boot cut yields a J-lo effect. Since our waists are thinner, revealing the waist is both sexy and more importantly, visually acceptable to others.

Now we all know that it is impossible to narrow all jeans across all stores into three categories. And the same could be said for bodies as well. In fact, with all the jean consumerism and market choices, any "jean guide" is obsolete in a matter of months, anymore. Therefore, if nothing else, it is important to take away a few bits of information on "skinny jeans".

Skinny Jeans are:
• For the skinny ( both waistless and hipless)
• Best when worn with flats, but if you want to look "Fredericks of Hollywood", then go ahead and throw on those bright red pumps
• Looks good with the Pat Benetar sweater (the one that wears well with a striped t-shirt, hits below the hips, and if it is meshed, then you can hit anyone with your best shot.
• NOT AN ABSOLUTE NECESSITY. Just because Nicole Ritchie and Paris Hilton are sporting skinnies like they are going out of style (which thankfully they will soon), it doesn't mean you have to. Viva la boot cut. Viva la flare. Viva what looks good on you.
So, I left the store disheartened but not defeated. I knew that there were other options for me. I knew that the skinny was part of what was "in", but it wasn't the only thing that was "in". I also knew that half of looking good is wear what I feel confident in. Coming to this resolution was surprisingly refreshing (almost like a $1000 shopping spree on jeans would have been). The question is, what can I look for now? What is the hottest fashion must have for me now? Hey, I am just a Midwestern born and raised self-proclaimed trendy diva. I can ignore current fashions because they look bad on me....most of us can...unless we live in NYC, LA, or Paris.

In the name of Skinnies, R.I.P. Until next time......